Aloha Beautiful Being of Light,
Four years ago I made the hardest and best choice of my life: I left a twin flame. He was my first love. We had met when I was 17 and I thought for sure we were going to be together forever. We shared nearly seven years together before we finally brought our romantic relationship to a completion. That’s a nice way of saying it, haha, or more accurately I could say… before the catalytic forces of the universe threw our complacent butts into the fire of transformation forcing us to evolve or else!
It was a challenging relationship from the very beginning and I felt in love for the first time ever in this lifetime, willing to go the distance no matter what cost. He is a beautiful being with a beautiful soul and neither of us had any tools to navigate our challenges in a healthy, loving, and respectful manner. We triggered all of our core wounds (fear of rejection, abandonment, unworthiness, etc.) with such masterful precision. Surely with only the precision that a true twin flame could exact. We were two beings who had no concept nor practice of self-love, both trying to get the other to fulfill our own needs. Two empty cups trying to feed off of the other…imagine that! Projecting, blaming, guilting, shaming and manipulating the other to get what we so desperately longed for: acceptance. But how could we ever offer the other what we didn’t already have for ourselves? We were the perfect mirror for one another.
There were many moments I wanted to leave the relationship, but I was afraid. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid no one else would love me. I was afraid that this was as good as it’s gonna get. I was afraid wondering how would I ever survive in the world without him emotionally, financially and spiritually. I had no idea who I was outside of this relationship. It had become such a part of my identity that my entire life was built on our relationship. Textbook co-dependence. Just the thought of “how would I ever separate?” was so overwhelming, I just shelved it and put up with how it was. I was too comfortably uncomfortable. Quietly suffering. The pain of changing was still greater than staying the same.
It wasn’t about about him. It was about me. I wasn’t loving myself and no amount of reassurance from him about how much he loved me was ever going to be enough. And there was my core wound story, “I’ll never be enough.”
Thankfully, life is geared towards evolution and expansion and if we don’t make the change that we need for ourselves, you bet life will make it for you.
And it did…
Nearing the seven year mark, a catalytic series of events would have it that finally the change of staying the same WAS greater than change. It worked, you bet my ass was woke and the sacred rage of my heart was no longer to accept less than what I knew I deserved. This fire fueled me to leave the relationship and begin a new life on my own, apart from my community, away from everything I had known. It was time for me to make the big leap.
It was challenging as hell in so many ways to finally rip off the band-aid of co-dependence. More than anything I feel it was allowing the dream of what I thought we could be to finally die. Accepting the reality of the relationship for how it actually was and not projecting the fantasy of what I felt was possible if we just…
But you know what? By the time that it was SO clear that our time as romantic partners had expired, the relief of freeing ourselves (from our own self imposed prison of an inauthentic life) was so profound. It was incredibly challenging and equally rewarding. I began to feel life come back into my body and soul as I began to live in alignment with my truth. All of the parts of myself that I had numbed out through one various distraction or another (unconscious sexual behaviors, substance abuse, etc.) began to come back online. Now that there wasn’t someone else to blame for my lack of feeling good, I got to face myself. It was an incredibly humbling and empowering experience to begin to take full responsibility for my life.
As I began this story, separating from the one I love more than anything was one of the greatest blessings in my life. Of course, the gift was really the entire relationship and all of the lessons that we provided for one another including the parting.
Because, I needed to be the one I loved more than anything, not him. I get that now.
The relationship we have with our self sets the tone for the rest of our life.
You can bet it was a journey of plenty of ups and downs, and it still is to this day. It’s just that my foundation is stronger and the way that I move through thechallenges now is with far greater ease, grace, trust, kindness, patience, playfulness and gentleness for myself. I don’t go down those self-loathing spirals anymore and if I do it’s like a slip into a puddle of water rather than drowning in a vast ocean of despair. I’ve made an agreement with myself that I just don’t go there anymore. I’ve made the commitment to love myself as I would my best friend, child, and ultimate lover soul mate. I honor myself as the queen that I am, that we all are.
I’ve cultivated a relationship of trust with myself and Source/Life/God/Universe that I know I am good and I am supported and can make it through anything. The perspective I choose to believe is that life is always working out for me! Once I began to shift my view on life and reclaim my power from all the areas of life that I was playing small and feeling helpless, magic started to happen! Beautiful synchronicities and precious moments of divine perfection revealed themself as magical breadcrumbs guiding me on my path.
It’s hard to explain and I’m sure those of you reading know exactly what I am talking about. That’s the “awakening” I refer to in “Rising In Love Awakening”. There’s this moment in our lives where all of a sudden everything is turned upside down, and you can’t rely on what you used to know and have, and you are forced to surrender your attempts for control into the loving arms of the Great Beloved. Life began to open up to me or I to it. When I let go of how I thought my life was supposed to look, what I was supposed to do, and who I was supposed to be… I was open to receive my soul’s true calling. But I had to let go…
It’s there in that space of not knowing that we find ourselves…only to realize we were never lost, simply forgotten. It’s amazing who you discover yourself to be in the midst of chaos. You discover what’s really important, what matters most to you, what your core life values are. Then you begin to prioritize those values and build your life on them rather than on something inconsistent such as another human being or the ever changing material world. These values become your compass. I can guarantee if you’re feeling unfulfilled it’s because you are living out of alignment with what matters most to you.
Let’s fast forward four years later and now I’m sharing yoga and sound healing with teens in rehab, publishing my first poetry book, launching multiple businesses and in the best place within myself that I have ever been, fully activating my role as a community leader. I am loving myself like I’ve never loved myself and cultivating a relationship with the divine that continues to enrapture and surprise me with every twist and turn of this great mysterious adventure we call Life. I’m calling in my soul tribe and surrounding myself with people that have shared values and really SEE me in the ways I have always wanted to be seen by others. Because I’m giving it to myself first. My external relations are a reflection of my internal relationship with myself.
Learning how to access the infinite wealth of love within our own hearts is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and the world.
I don’t have all the answers, mostly just questions. I’m not claiming to have “arrived” or mastered the art of self-love and I AM in the inquiry and exploration of what activates my highest joy every day.
“You can never really get there, because you already are… home.” -Earthwake
I do have experiences to relate to, stories to share, tools to offer and more than anything a big heart to hold space with to reflect your own beauty and supreme worthiness. There are tools and pieces of wisdom that have guided me back home into the innate wisdom of my own heart and soul , giving me the strength and courage to stand on my two feet and activate my sovereignty as a powerful woman who is whole and complete, manifesting the life of her wildest dreams. These are the keys that I would love to share with you when you are ready to receive them.
You are worthy simply because you exist, you need no other reason.
I am excited to get to know you and share in this beautiful Earth Walk together.
If there is any way I may be of service on your journey of remembrance, please let me know.
May you know how truly precious you really truly,
Jedi Priestess Queen of Love